Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging