Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
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*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.