impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
You Might Also Like
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.