Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
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eggs benadryl
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.