accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
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You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
The struggle is real
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do