Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
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Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum