“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
You Might Also Like
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Comparing yourself to others
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
So, can we agree on 4 or
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
“You’d better run, egg!”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.