Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
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Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.