I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
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If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂