Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
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On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Just me?
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.