“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
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[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”