I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
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me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
We decided to have money instead of children.