I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing