I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
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[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Customer is always right
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one