Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
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A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Phones down.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭