*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
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*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
That eye roll….
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
My daily affirmation