I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
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*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..