Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
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THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.