OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
You Might Also Like
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
😂💯
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.