Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
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Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
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