You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
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Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.