Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
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I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking