[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
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ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”