does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
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if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks