they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
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I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Story of my life…..
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.