“We will wed,” I threatened
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
and now we wait
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
*skinny dips into black hole
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.