HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
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The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
incredible