I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
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My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Got ya covered
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time