[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
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My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I hope they boil the right one.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I used to be married, but I’m better now
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.