It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
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It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*