definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
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Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.