I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
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“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.