So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
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And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”