An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
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Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
#Caturday
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating