[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
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Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking