Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
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Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
If you鈥檝e already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 馃惄 馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I鈥檓 sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 馃く
I hate it when I鈥檓 trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
the three branches of government