“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
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Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
how to have an accident 101
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.