Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
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6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I want this so bad
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.