If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
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In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.