do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
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You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is