DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
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Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)