I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
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i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”