REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
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When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Best seat on the street 😍
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?