I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
You Might Also Like
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Lmao the reply
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.