Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
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I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Something Saturday.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.