Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
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Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.