My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
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The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
3% human
97% stress
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
How your email finds me
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.