Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
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“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
FINE, I WON’T.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)