“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
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Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.