[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
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A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.